From the Archives: September 11, 2001

Back before I had a blog, I just typed my thoughts into a journal I titled "Is it morning or is it death?" after something I mumbled one time when I was half asleep. Here are, unedited and unabridged (except for a few names which are now represented by first initials), my entries for September 11 and September 12 of 2001:

September 11, 2001
There were four plane crashes this morning. Two into the world trade centers, one into the Pentagon, and one somewhere in Pennsylvania. The trade centers collapsed, the Pentagon doesn’t quite have 5 sides anymore. Debris is all that remains of the plane that crashed in PA.

I woke up this morning around 8:30am, at Z’s. He’d left for work already. I was listening to the news on NPR and working on my webpage. A little before 9, right at the end of Morning Edition, the guy said something about a plane crashing into one of the world trade centers. Then he said it was a perfectly clear day. By the time I thought to turn on the news on TV, thinking this might be something that video footage actually would enhance, a second plane had crashed into the second trade center. The tops of both buildings were billowing smoke. I still just felt numb and confused, nobody knew what was going on. I kept watching, not knowing what to think. Then, one of the towers collapsed. Right on the screen, in real time, I saw the building collapse. It was gut-wrenching. I imagined all those people careening to their death. I tried to call Dad, no answer. I called mom, and I choked up and cried. It was so awful. I can remember watching the challenger explode on TV with mom when I was very little, and I remember her crying and not understanding why. To me it was just another explosion on TV. Now I understand. Despite all the building explosions you see in movies, when it’s real, it’s real.

Later, I watched the second building collapse. When this happens, what good are words? I only felt things, I felt awful, I felt sad, I was horrified. All those people were just going to work, doing their job. But most of all, I thought of the fire-fighters and rescue workers who were now buried in 6 stories of ruble. I cannot recreate the feeling I felt when the buildings collapsed. And words are no help either.

Then the cameras suddenly switched to Washington where smoke was billowing out of the Pentagon. It took a couple of minutes, but finally eye-witness reports confirmed that a plane had crashed into the Pentagon. I was alone with the tragedy to feel the full weight of it. Later, when A joined me, and D came over, and Z came back from work, the tragedy was weakened, was spread out among us, we could joke about some of the camera footage. It didn’t feel real anymore. After I saw the building collapse a dozen times, from all different angles and with different commentary, what could I feel anymore? It had become like a realistic movie where you keep rewinding one part. By this point, the people were dead and faceless, it was just a collapsing building.

The reporters talk about the symbolism of the world trade centers and the Pentagon, they talk about failure of intelligence. They say we were prepared for chemical or biological warfare, nobody expected the classic plane hijacking strategy. They say we failed, we weren’t prepared. But how could we be? A country, with open skies, is not invincible. But we think we are. We delude ourselves into thinking we are. But I know we are not. The US forgot about determination, about people’s passion. They think nobody can hurt us, but they can. It is a lesson we needed to learn. But what have we learned? They will heighten airport security, they will allocate more money for defense spending. They will try really hard to make us believe we are invincible. But it’s like life, you see. You can take all the precautions, do every right thing, but one day you can just go to work and have a plane crash into your building. That is the risk of being alive. To remove that risk is to end truly being alive.

The terrorists have succeeded. They have induced terror. Downtown Columbus shut down. Gas lines are out into the street. People are scared, and acting stupid, thinking stupid things. Their precious, safe existence has been disrupted. People are afraid of planes, of anyone that is a stranger. Terrorists do not play by the rules. Attacks can come from anywhere. People are terrified. CNN boasted the caption “America Under Attack.”

They’re calling for retaliation, the euphemistic word for revenge, for blood. Because no one can attack the U.S. and get away with it. But how many times do we bomb Iraq, and it hardly makes the news? And who are we going to bomb? I secretly hope the U.S. doesn’t find out who did it, so they won’t bomb anybody. But that won’t happen. Somebody will be blamed for this. But can the bombs be smart enough to attack precisely the people responsible? No, it will hit innocent civilians, who made no decision to attack the US, but are just going to work, doing their jobs. Just like the people in the trade centers, who made no decisions to hurt the people who evidently felt the need to hurt the US. It’s a vicious cycle. Blood calls for more blood, but we all bleed the same blood.

Maybe, because I am sitting here in my safe little room, and nobody I know has just died, it is easy for me to be calm. It is easy for me to view the casualties as the result of some new natural disaster. Maybe it is just easy for me not to hate the enemy, to not call it evil, to not desire revenge. Until it happens to me, I cannot ethically judge. But I can say this: I feel no hate, no anger. Only sadness.

The people who directly caused the crashes, they are dead. But the numbers don’t add up. Not enough of “them” have died to compensate for those of “us” who have died. The country rallies together, political differences are pushed aside, we must unite against the enemy. That is the mentality anyway. But you know, I think people secretly like this sort of thing. It brings a country together, gives people something to talk about, everybody will remember right where they were when it happened. Our country has never been so patriotic as we are today. But at the heart of patriotism I see not love of one’s own country, but hatred of an enemy. It is just a separation of “us” and “them,” “good” and “bad.”

I think maybe Nietzsche would say having an enemy is good, it keeps one on one’s toes. It gives you something to strive against, someone to show you your weak points.

I do not rejoice in the terrorist attacks. I am horrified. But maybe this will show President Bush that his anti-ballistic missile defense system is ridiculous. I know it is naïve and idealist of me, but I think a better preventative measure would be to reconcile with our “enemies.”

What final words can I type about this National Tragedy? I cannot comprehend the immensity of it. All the people whose world has just crumbled…The families disintegrated in the rubble…The love torn asunder…The agony…The heartbreak…All the frantic words that cannot contain the frenzy. We have lost our invincibility, and our innocence.

September 12, 2001
It is morning and it is death. I think everybody was hoping to wake up this morning and realize the attacks were just a bad collective dream. But they are very real and full of death. Right now it is 8:58 a.m. 24 hours have passed since I first heard that a plane crashed into the World Trade Centers. The crisis is already starting to be reduced to numbers. They can tell you how many planes, how many people on the planes, the times they left, the times they crashed, and we’re all waiting in anxious fear for the death toll to emerge. They will tell us the number of casualties, the number of injuries, but the numbers cannot begin to describe the tragedy.

So far, I am impressed with our country. The politicians may call for retaliation, but the Red Cross calls for blood donations. People are flocking to the blood banks all over the U.S., willing to give their own blood to help. People are flocking to churches, synagogues, mosques, to pray for the victims. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this unity our country feels isn’t just hatred of the enemy, maybe it is real love and concern for our fellow man. I was too cynical perhaps. We share a common fear, but we also share a common love. I remember S saying that the one good thing about wars is that they bring people together and give us a purpose—even if it’s protesting the war, like in Vietnam. Things like this test a country’s mettle. So far, we have been acting with fear, but also with dignity. I am afraid some overly patriotic psychopaths may try to harm or vandalize Muslim/Arab communities, but so far nothing like that has happened, that I know of. As to the fear, gas prices jumped sharply and gas lines are out into the street. I’m now going to Kroger to buy some newspapers, so I’ll see if there’s any food left on the shelves. People tend to panic.

I was wrong. Plenty of food, no newspapers.

It is afternoon now. More talks of retaliation. The attacks have been deemed an “act of war” by Bush. Secretary of State Colin Powell, whom I have much more faith in than Bush, has confirmed that this is being viewed as war. The weird thing is, right now it is still war against a nameless enemy, although everyone names Osama Bin Laden. The suspicions are toward Afghanistan, which is accused of harboring him. OBL himself denies that he did it, but he congratulated whoever did. I don't have an opinion on who did it, our government has too many secrets for me to really surmise anything. But I pity the people accused of doing this, all hell will break loose against them. Now they’re getting NATO involved: most countries, hold Palestine, Iraq and Afghanistan, are supporting the U.S. I know to maintain our political and military might, we must retaliate. But I still wish we wouldn’t. At least not on the large scale they’re discussing.

In movies, you can tell when the scary part is coming by the music. Life imitates art. NPR has been playing scary music all today and yesterday, in the interludes between the news. The news is something else all together. It has finally become real, not a calculated performance of the day’s events and issues. Now, people interrupt each other to cut to late breaking news, people are asking more questions than they’re answering, and for some reason, genders keep getting confused. Yesterday, a news clip of the street near the disaster showed a cop yelling at people to “go fucking home.” He was saying it again and again. Now how often will that happen on TV? That was only the first time though. From then on, when the clip was shown, there was no sound. I just love it when people are caught off guard like that though. Suddenly life becomes real, and not just a performance.

Bryan Michael Jenkins: “there is no x-ray for the soul.” I just heard this quote on the radio, referring to the discussions about increased airline security. I think it sums it up: we can never be 100% safe. People have free will.

Another thing I worry about is how fair and ethical the FBI is being in the investigation. The FBI has been under a lot of criticism lately, with spies found in its ranks and a botched case against Wen Ho Li. Will they do this right? Maybe I’m just suspicious but I fear they may frame a group for this crime. Maybe they won’t go that far, but they will no doubt interrogate and intimidate innocent people. In war, there is no fair trial. The innocent are condemned right along with the guilty.